“I’m often asked, “As an Atheist, what is the purpose of this life? Doesn’t existence seem so insignificant?” 

In the grand scheme of the universe, not only is our individual existence insignificant, but so is the existence of our planet. To me, what makes life significant are the connections I share with those around me. 

The insignificance of the rest of it is only made enjoyable and meaningful by the people I care about enough to keep close. That’s what makes life - every single memory - so important. It’s what makes mistakes - and there have been plenty - so important to learn from. It’s what makes the loss of one of those people, for any reason, so unbearably difficult for me to handle. 

That’s what makes forgiveness, kindness, compassion, and love so important to me. I only get one shot; no do-overs, no life-after to enjoy. Just this. 
I swear I have posted this stuff before, but I still get asked often. I also, frequently, have trouble remembering these things myself. I suppose that is natural, but it’s not to be confused with doubting where I am at. 

The fact that I know that life, on the larger scale, is meaningless, is what makes me care about every person I have or will come in contact with. It’s what makes me miss those that I have lost, hurt, betrayed, and even those that have done the same to me. It is exactly what makes every moment that I am lucky enough to have so meaningful.”

A friend just posted this and I cannot agree anymore.

i want to be full of experiences. eighty years old with more stories than wrinkles. i have many mistakes and tears and laughter in front of me. my stomach needs to flip a few million more times and adrenaline needs to cloud my judgement for the greater half of the next decade. onward, forth, anew, growth. that’s what i’m dedicating myself to.

i’m twenty-four years old. i’m six foot one. i weigh two hundred and forty pounds. i have twenty-two percent body fat and i’m working towards getting to at least eleven percent body fat.

challenge accepted.

today i went on a long walk around santa monica. i walked to the beach, by this park by my house, the theatre, the promenade, and down streets i haven’t before. i’m incredibly lucky to be living in this city and i needed to slow down and casually stroll through it to remember that. in the coming weeks my schedule is going to be changing again with an emphasis on more free time and more time to be outside and focus on my creative endeavors. i’m finally taking the initiative to pursue what it is i came out here to do. my number one goal is to make progress everyday. a step or a leap or a stride ahead of the previous day whether it be physically, creatively, emotionally, or otherwise.

i have my mind set on moving forward and growth. i’m making the conscious effort to live simply, breathe deeper, think optimistically, and challenge myself daily. i have no preconceived notions on the level of ease that this will entail, but i’m ready to be uncomfortable. i’m ready to throw myself into situations that i haven’t prepared for and take things as they come. 

i keep reminding myself that i’m twenty-four and that i have now to focus on and that’s exactly what i intend to do.

i don’t look the way that i feel. i have so much energy and happiness and i don’t feel my body reflects that in the slightest. the person i see when i close my eyes isn’t the person staring bak at me in the mirror. i want to move the way i picture myself moving and i want to look the way that i feel

that i envision myself feeling. i don’t hate myself or even dislike myself i just don’t connect with the body that i see in front of me. 

so i’m changing that. from this moment forward i’m focusing more than i ever have on forming my external into reflecting the internal person that i am. i’m going to take care of myself and eat for fuel and play for sport and respect myself. this will be the hardest thing that i’ve done but it will be worth it. i have to remind myself that everyday. i have to just take it day by day and be mindful of everything relating to my body. the bigger picture is the one to focus on.

here goes…

to lose weight and become comfortable in my body.

to not focus so much on what’s going to happen.

to live freely in the moment.

to breathe.

to read more books.

to enjoy more films.

to break free of all my usual habits.

to try something new and uncomfortable daily.

to travel.

to not be reliant on money.

to become happy with myself.

to not be afraid.

to not be focused n what others think.

to be who I am.

to be honest about how I feel.

to not put everyone else before myself.

to not be overwhelmed.

to slow down and break tradition.

to go on evening walks.

to write daily.

to stop comparing myself.

to not worry.

to understand and believe my worth.

to stop trying to please everyone.

to let go and move forward.

to be confident.

i wrote this six months ago and it’s still true. everything is going to have to change. i cannot be so terrified anymore.

if there’s anything i’ve ever done correctly in my life it was opening myself up to love. it was getting to know this beautiful man and learning what the depth of my compassion is. to sit across from the person you love with every fiber of your being tell you about his partner that he’s moving in with and the life that they’re creating was one of the most gratifying experiences i’ve ever had. any frustrations, misunderstandings, reservations, or unresolved emotions dissipated with every breath he spoke. to see him physically happy and emotionally supported warmed me in a way i’ve never felt. this man has taught me so much about myself and relationships and how to feel more and deeper and for others. i thanked him for that tonight. i made sure he was aware how important he is, was, and always will be to me. i also thanked him for allowing myself to be in his life and for loving me as fiercely as he does. we talked as if there hasn’t been almost two years since we last saw each other and caught up in the most genuine of fashions. i can tell when he’s sharing thoughts he hasn’t said out loud before and he knows when i don’t make eye contact it’s out of thought and not out of discomfort. to the man who i cherish more than i ever thought possible, i love you and i’m truly a better human being for knowing you.

where’s your thirst? why aren’t you constantly wandering out into the wilderness and getting lost? i worry about you sometimes because you claim to be enticed by adventure and the unknown, yet you seldom do so. you have this fearless spirit yet you’re fearful of adhering to it. emotionally you’ve jumped off of cliffs with no promise of a landing and yet physically you’ve yet to hasten your heartbeat. 

why are you afraid of getting scared? 

i no longer seek anything in others. i’m searching myself for answers. i’m focusing my efforts and energy in discovering more about myself. more of my limits and potential and ability. what do i believe in? who do i connect with? why do i react to this? why aren’t i okay with this? i have a strong understanding of what i don’t want and have let that formulate that in which i do want but i need to discover what i need. i need to read and write daily. i need to go on those long walks where i get lost but have my best ideas. i need to drink water constantly. i need to not spend money on food that doesn’t expire within a week. i need to speak my mind. i need to listen. i need to create. i need to get lost. i need to let go. i need to break old habits. i need to form new habits. i need to think. i need to plan more. i need to plan less. i need to be more interested in the world around me. i need to not worry about what others think. i need to try new things. i need to push myself. i need to go slow. i need to allow myself to react. i have to be uncomfortable. i need to dive in headfirst. 

I let my mind get the best of me and I tend to over think things. If you don’t mind humoring me and letting me be a bit manic for a bit, I swear it’ll pass. I jump a few steps ahead of my good senses every once and awhile and I don’t make sense and I seem as though I don’t know what I want. I probably don’t, but I know what feels right. I’m committed to following what feels right.

i just want to make waffles for you, with you, around you, and have you smirk and tell me you actually prefer french toast but eat them regardless. i think i’d be better at pitching a tent but will let you do it since you just have to have things your way sometimes. i’d love to go camping with you and wake up before you and look at how peaceful you look when you sleep and notice how you sleep on your side and make a mental note that you do in fact snore a little bit. i would actually enjoy long walks at night on the beach and cuddle up and listen to the waves while we tell each other things we haven’t ever said out loud. i think i’d probably try sushi if you asked me to, as long as you’d watch batman cartoons with me. i know for a fact i’d look up from my book and watch you read yours for a few minutes and focus on how you bite your lips or how your forehead crinkles and how many times you clear your throat when you read. it’s inevitable that i’ll just start laughing uncontrollable during an argument because my point will be lost and you’ll most likely be right and i actually do like the way you look angry. i’d sneak a few notes in your bag so that you’ll find them at some point throughout your day. but not anything cute more so invitations to a nerf gun shootout once you get home. i promise i’ll side with your family when you say you’d rather see a different movie than the rest of us and i wouldn’t mind if you teased me when my head gets stuck taking off the sweater your mom knitted for me after i commented on how cool yours was when in fact i was making a joke but actually did think it was pretty cool and even though you hate them we seem to wear them when we go out for coffee. even though i hate the taste of coffee but go along anyway and endure the jokes of my unknowingly thick whipped cream mustache from my hot chocolate. when we play clue i’ll understand if we have to battle it out for who gets to be scarlet because she always goes first. i also understand if you roll your eyes when i quote lines from home alone every time we order pizza and you definitely didn’t order plain cheese.

is it safe to assume that your silence is because you’re busy? or is it safe to assume that you are disinterested and want me to come to that conclusion on my own? is it safe to say that i shouldn’t have to make assumptions? that we’re both two adults and can communicate with words instead of lack of action. why should hints have to be taken? why can’t proper communication be had to execute ones emotions, or lack there of? if you don’t tell me how you feel i’m forced to assume and assumptions are usually biased to how i view the situation. i’d rather have your side of the story. i’d rather be spoken to, like a human being with eye contact and assurance in one’s decision. silence isn’t respectful. i’m not upset, because i don’t know what you’re thinking and that’s where my annoyance lies: not knowing. i’d be much more content understanding your point of view no matter how bad you think it would hurt me.

i turned twenty-four today and i have all these thoughts in my head about where i’m going and how i’m going to get there. thoughts i’ve had for months now. i’ve always wanted to get to a place of satisfaction with different areas of my life and everything seems to be falling in line for me to do so. i’m mentally prepared to change. i’m ready to mature and be uncomfortable. that’s one of the most important things i’ve learned over the past few years. in order to better myself and improve upon the person that i am, i have to be uncomfortable and not dwell in old habits in the attempt to formulate new ones. 

you shouldn’t be feeling this way you know that right? this is supposed to be your most carefree and stress less part of your life. or at least that’s what they lead you to believe. I’m sure you’re growing tired of sitting idly and waiting for something to happen. and i’m sure you’re tired of putting your all into others. you give and you give and you give and you have the best smile on your face whilst doing so. you’re quite the giver you know. it’s almost as if you know of nothing better. you let others have every inch of you and then you’re only so willing to dig deeper so that they have more to draw from. it’s not about changing suddenly and putting yourself first because let’s face it, you couldn’t do that. I’d prefer it if you developed a sense of self worth. a strong sense of what exactly it is that you want. I understand you’re nice and friendly and caring and want the best for everyone, but what about you? honestly, stop for a moment and think of yourself for a moment and tell me what’s best for you. you need to remember that in the middle of the night you’re the one worrying about the thoughts of others and how what you’re doing is affecting them. you need to become focused on yourself. take some yoga classes and listen to your thoughts. write out more thoughts, bundle up and take a twenty minute walk. cook yourself a meal and try and be mindful of what you’re putting in your body, because right now you aren’t. you’re back in your old habits. you’re comfortable. this next year should be the most uncomfortable you should ever be. make a friend, trust others, let somebody in, but first get to know yourself first. lose that weight that you swore you’re tired of carrying around. drop your hours, distress, meditate, write each night, make some tea, relax, watch new films and tv shows. fucking travel with one bag and get lost. stop resorting to what feels familiar. reject the familiar. you grew up so much in Utah when you were on your own. you were so out of your element that you had to mature and become who you are. don’t regress to this lazy, poor dieting, uncaring, stalled in the comfort person. you’re so much better than that. I trust that you can do it and I know you better than anyone. I believe that if you really put your mind to it, you can do it. try not to be influenced by the external thoughts, be true to yourself. don’t spend another moment regressing. you can do this Jeremy. 

I love you with all my heart. 

i like watching his hands as he draws and brushes the graphite around the paper. i’m fixated on his finger tips and how he bites his tongue when he paints. i smile to myself as his eyebrows dance behind the book in his hands. his lips shift into shapes as he sketches out his imagination. he’s physically silent but speaking volumes. it’s hard to contain my excitement over his passion. he’s so confidently oblivious to how handsome his creative process is.